Devils Dawn

Strong or Something Like It

My Dad is in the hospital this morning.   Again.

Sometime last night his leg decided to swell up like an elephant and it has red dots all over it.  It is hot to the touch the way that things get when they balloon up.  I can only imagine what is going through his head this morning.  Stuff like "Oh no not again" or "Jesus Christ I thought I was done with this" or  "Please God don't let me lose my leg".

What was going through my Mom's head this morning was "I hope he is okay" and "I hope he doesn't have to have surgery again".  The last surgery opened up his leg like a banana split (literally) as he lay there for days with it open and packed.  Imagine for a second what that feels like (Percocet's aside) having the air rush by your open leg in that manner.  The trauma of that is ... well.  It causes tears and fears and bad dreams and the most disheartening war weary mood.  Because it's been three years of this.

And last time we thought for sure he was going to lose his leg.

Into action goes the level head.  The one just outside of it enough to think strategically about what this could all mean if he goes down for the count again.  Emotionally what that would mean for him.  Financially what it would do to both of them.   Spiritually how it would impact them when they have been working together as a team and doing some amazing things.  I've smiled watching them reset their goals and work together the way a husband and wife should. 

And they've been taking care of each other in loving ways.  I've noticed even though I said nothing.  Perhaps I didn't want to jinx anything.

"You are very strong" is a compliment that's paid to me quite frequently.  I don't agree.  Not in the classical sense anyhow.  I'm not anything special other than I can be the one at the funeral standing there without crying specifically because someone needs to NOT cry in the moment to hold the rest of them together.   There is always time for crying later when no one is around.  When your moment of weakness will not inspire weakness or doubt or fear in anyone else for having witnessed your human side.

Every family and every social circle needs pillars.  These are the people that may seem cold sometimes or overly decisive.  Calculating and perhaps even manipulative because they absolutely can get results from applying different approaches to different people in unique circumstances.  I've been called the whole gamut from "Ice Queen" to "Selfish"  to "Manipulative" and each time those labels went through me like a spear because they came out of the mouths of people that I loved.  "One sided" comes out a lot... and that hurts more than anything.

Consider that my heart aches to cry with you.  Or go out and max out my credit cards on a trip with my family that we all well deserve. I'd freaking love that!  Or eat too much at dinner.  Gorge myself on shit food that makes me feel great for about fifteen minutes and guilty for about fifteen days.  I could be that person that indulges in coming apart at the seams when shit hits the fan.  Are you kidding me?  OF COURSE I can be that girl...

But it's a luxury.  If the ones I love go that route it doesn't allow me to.  Because if we all want to ride in the boat without paddling we are going no where fast.  In fact... we may well sink.  And then we are all lost.

This morning I wanted to cry but I couldn't.  Because I knew my brain had to get in gear and start figuring out contingencies and plans and strategy and consequences weighed and appropriate reaction to reactions that I can't even predict right now.  But I'll sort out every scenario in my head in the next five hours I promise you... and have a back up plan for each.  One that will work perfectly.

I'll be ready for what comes. I only started crying after she left for work.

Pretty selfish huh?  Empathy challenged?  Why?  Because I can't allow myself to de-compensate?  Or is that the response of people who want a higher dose of that care when I need to reallocate it elsewhere.  Or because sometimes I recognize that my empathy is actually preventing someone from standing on their own which is exactly what they need to do?

And that happens a lot.  My withdrawal when I figure my help isn't really helping but hindering someones forward progress because if I do it FOR THEM how will they ever do it for themselves?  Such a selfish motivation.  Nothing feels quite so good as being told you are "self-absorbed" after giving years of support to someone you love.  Someone you want to see thrive.  Even if to see them thrive means they have to have a bad guy... and that bad guy is me...

So be it.  The end result is the same.  The person I love will stand.  And I won't get the laurels for it or the understanding for my actions.  I may remain the enemy as a matter of necessity.  But that's what you get for being "strong" or something like it...

LOTD 17.10.11

⊱Body⊰

Skin: -CandyDoll- Adeline Natural Pale !NEW!
Shape: <3
Hair: [BURLEY]_Tish_Platinums !NEW!
Lashes: – DAMNED – My Perfect Eyelashes <3
Eyeliner: [ glow ] studio – Pin up eyeliner
Eye: *bbqq*-eyes00-LightGray-gift

⊱Outfit⊰

Tank: *H+K* simple ribbon Tee
Sweater Dress: -[AddiCt]-LUCILLE Sweater Dress/Moss/The Season’s Hunt
Vest: [pivaaca] Cable Knitting Vest *Light Gray* – for Seasons Hunt-
Leggings : {K}Rea Q – Leggings
Hair decoration: -[AddiCt]-OH DEER Antler Headband/wood
Ring : undefined lilies – moustached (Poupee Hunt)
Neclace: PIDIDDLE – Cervidae Necklace – Sp. Ed.
Shoes: Willow~ Seasons Hunt Fall
Bag: Tokidoki – seasons hunt Fall 2011

⊱Pose⊰

Ribbon55

Filed under: ]Free[, ]NEW[ Tagged: *bbqq*, *H+K*, -CandyDoll-, -Damned-, PIDIDDLE, Ribbon, Tokidoki, Willow~, [ glow ], [AddiCt], [BURLEY], [pivaaca], {K}Rea

(PRISS) + Damselfly

If I Had a Heart

Anything that is inspired by Karin Dreijer Andersson aka Fever Ray is always worth buying in my opinion. So as soon as I saw this skin I immediately bought it along with several others. Really gorgeous out of the box skins.

 

Skin: Nuuna Ellivu
Hair: Colors 46 (Ash Black)
Necklace: Mandala Sinra (silver moon)
Top: Nomine Strapped Top Compass
Pants: Adjunct Tipped Trouser (bone/black)
Boots: Deco Vincent (black)*

*Promotional copy

[J]oker [M]urderer

Alt Country

I like me some country music if you didn't already know.

*GreenDay*

Skin:.::Mother Goose's::. Maria (Lucky Board)
Hair:(love) hair - jade [selection pack] TFG
Headband:(TokiD) side headband (1)
Necklace:::LEO-NT:: Field of Roses [Necklace] ~white~<3 Ty Lady Leonard
Ring:::LEO-NT:: Field of Roses [Ring] ~white~ <3 Ty Lady Leonard
Dress:::{u.f.o}::vintage flower - beige TFG
Cardigan:-LaViere- Short Puffy Cardigan (Green) <3 Ty Azure Electricteeth
Socks:Suspender Socks beje *Tea Time*
Shoes:Autumn Boot green *Tea Time*
Bag:(TokiD) owl bag (brown)
Poses: Label Motion <3 Ty Anne Dakun

LOTD 16.10.11

⊱Body⊰

Skin: -CandyDoll- Adeline Natural Pale !NEW!
Shape: <3
Hair: [e] Fight – Essentials Collection  Collabor88
Lashes: – DAMNED – My Perfect Eyelashes <3
Eyeliner: [ glow ] studio – Pin up eyeliner
Eye: *bbqq*-eyes00-LightGray-gift

⊱Outfit⊰

Tank: *BOOM* Ice Cream Tanks
Cardigan: Emery – Oversize Cardigan Carmin [Tdrb]
Skirt: ::BB::Leather Miniskirt CREAM
Stocking: ..::DARE::.. Gift -  Lace Stockings Long
Hair decoration: *~*”Varda” Small Hair Barrette: Copy
Ring:[VIRTUAL/INSANITY] 1964 RING
Ring 2: undefined lilies – moustached (Poupee Hunt)
Glasses: HouseofFox :: CheetahLoveGlasses
Neclace: MIEL SHA SET 50L$
Shoes: (epoque) snosaes tnuh tfig
Bag: .: vive9 :. Charlotte Envelope Clutch in Tangerine Collabor88

⊱Pose⊰
Glitterati – 210

Filed under: ]Free[, ]NEW[ Tagged: *bbqq*, *BOOM*, -CandyDoll-, -Damned-, ::BB::, Emery, GLITTERATI, HOF, MIEL, vive9, [ glow ], [e]

Queen of The Road

I’m back to show you a couple more items at Seraphim that you must have!!  First..  check out the sweet wheels!  This Hogs & Cart bike is not just a picture prop, its a rideable bike and is FREE! (/me squeals!)  I already took a friend for a spin – you can double on it too!

The Tutti Frutti Low Leggings and the Virtual Insanity Back Cross Tattoo are both available for  free at Seraphim and the I have blogged the top before – but in pink.  This is the Casual Tee from Sakide at Seraphim.

***************

Love is wearing…

Skin – Al Vulo Easy Merry Widow Silky Tone (free group gift / 0L / free to join) - http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/ReMix%20Yo%20LIfe/178/155/1352

Tattoo – Virtual Insanity Back Cross Tattoo @ Seraphim (free group gift / 0L / free to join) - http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Baekje/161/61/2502

Eyes – Fashism Eyes Sunrise Pale Green (not free) - http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Jewelry/47/208/38

Hair – Truth Rylan 2 (not free) - http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Truth%20Hair/113/35/27

Shirt – Sakide Casual T @ Seraphim (free group gift / 0L / free to join) -  http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Baekje/161/61/2502

Pants – Tutti Frutti Seraphim Low Legging @ Seraphim (free group gift / 0L / free to join) -  http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Baekje/161/61/2502

Boots – Similar Vipers (not free) - http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Sleeping%20Beauty/174/187/25

Bike – Hogs & Cart Seraphim Wing @ Seraphim (free grouup gift / 0L / free to join) - http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Baekje/161/61/2502

Pose by Morphine - http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/DIXON%20Indoor/234/92/500 

New Release

Abaixo compartilho com voces 4 lindas cores da qual entre outras voce indo na loja e escolher a que combina com voce e tambem vem esse lindo hat para voce arrasar, eu amei e esperamos que gostem tambem desejamos todos otimas compras com  ::LC::  *_*

Body: ::LC:: Countdown Catsuit [yellow] NEW

::LC::Countdown Catsuit [coral] AND ::LC::Countdown Catsuit [melon] NEW

Body:::LC:: Countdown Catsuit [red] NEW

#28 ZombiePopcorn Madness (Part II)

Uggs: kUGGsh Orange from KHUSH (#48, 0L$))
Eyes & piercings on face: Cellular Level from .:ellabella:. (#54, 0L$)
Face tattoo: Cursed Vanity 03 from .::Delusions::. (#56, 0L$)
Dress & stockings: My krueger Dress from BeLoTe (#57, 0L$)
Coat: Rebel Coat Blood from [NV] (#58, 0L$)
Top Hat: Pumpkin Top Hat from Kis Kis (#61, 0L$)
Table: Sophie's Beverage Table from fucifino (#63, 0L$)
Witchy cart: Witchy Halloween Cauldron Set from Dreamscapes Art Gallery (#66, 0L$)


Eyes: Vampire Eyes (prims & eyes layer) from .ID. (#60, 0L$)
Outfit, knife: Claret from Indigo Oddities (#65, 0L$)
Skin: Momo Cream Hallow from ::Ci Co.:: (#68, 0L$)
Background: Vanitas Wall Chair & painting & table from L&C (#71, 0L$)
Fangs: Fangtastic from ::JZ:: (#73, 0L$)
Plugs: Mismatched Nightmare from Nox. (#74, 0L$)
Necklace: LITTLE BAT from .:* LOULOU&CO *:. (#75, 0L$)
Candlesticks on table: Cream orange & white from MudHoney (#78, 0L$)
Hair: Mortisha Witch from ::::IrEn:::: (#79, 0L$)


Skin: Lucinda Skin Forsaken from Weird Designs (#69, 0L$)
Pumpkins: Boo and Candle Decor with Leaves from LISP (#80, 0L$)
Bag: ChocoZombie bag 2 from {K}Rae (#82, 0L$)
Outfit & Shoes: Skully from Ducknipple (#83, 0L$)
Pose: Zombie from [ILAYA] (#84, 0L$)
Headband: Pretty Skull Headband from ::{u.f.o}::  (#85, 0L$)
So hey, that's the ZombiePopcorn how I like it! I hope you enjoy and get to pick up some things, the starting landmark for the last time is --> ZP Starting Point

(Kunglers Extra) Maasai (NEW)

Hello girls I am now using a new set jewelry called Maasai, is the new release of Kunglers. It really is a fantastic jewelry with an amazing texture. I hope that you like and do not forget to visit the Kunglers. XoXo

Girls do not forget to join the group Synopsis SL (open group on my profile)

Zombie Love ! ☼

Conjunto / Outift : The Zombie Popcorn Hunt  - *MUKA*
Uñas / Nails : [EY:NO] Halloween Group Gift
Gabardina / Jacket : The Zombie Popcorn Hunt  - [NV] 
Cinturón / Belt : Under my Skin ( Chicas una tienda muy linda , tiene dollarbies y regalitos , visitenla)
 Pose : PURPLE POSES 



Skin - The Zombie Popcorn - DAMNED
Tattoo - The Zombie Popcorn - ::Para Desings ::  ( Debajo del sofa , Under Sofa)
Hair - Lamb!- Girlfriend in a Coma - No Free


   Conjunto / Outift :The Zombie Popcorn - Paper. Doll 
   Pose : PURPLE POSES


  Hair / Cabello : The Zombie Popcorn Hunt - [Iren]
  Skin : The Zombie Popcorn Hunt - Skintimate
  Rosario en la boca :  The Zombie Popcorn Hunt - Haus Of Darcy  
  Blood Eyes Tattoo : The Zombie Popcorn Hunt - PIN ME DOWN


   Shirt / Blusa : The Zombie Popcorn Hunt - Caladesi Island Co. 
   Pants / Pantalones : The Zombie Popcorn  Hunt - SWEET ANTIDOTE.
   Pose : PURPLE POSES 



Hair / Cabello : Catwa -Sunscribo Gift
Skin : The Zombie Popcorn Hunt - Caladesi Island Co.


     Vestido / Dress : The Zombie Popcorn Hunt - ::YoPulga::
     Cat Shoes / Zapatos de Gatitos : The Zombie Popcorn Hunt - VC Designs 
     Tattoo :The Zombie Popcorn Hunt -  Reckless  ( Detras del item negro / Behind the black item)
      Pose : PURPLE POSES


      Skin - The Zombie Popcorn Hunt - Jesilylo
      Puppy in the mouth / Muñequito en la boca : The Zombie Popcorn Hunt - Acide!

Diva New gift! y Belote en MPW

Look Of The Day 2011-10-17

Critical OS Software Upgrade - Region Restarts

[POSTED 09:26 AM PDT, 17 October 2011] We will be continuing the upgrade of our simulator system software on the Agni main grid today starting shortly, which will require an extended period of region restarts. We will update this blog when additional information becomes available.

classical vintage

When you need to dress up for a feast or something special.....then go to Baiastice Outlet. Many elegant dresses there.. so worth paying for. I was looking for hair in the same style and found this hair ( free) at DarkMouse. Recoloured the hairband ( was in cream). All hairtones free. Again wear my diamond set from Caroline's because i love the simplicity of it. ( posted before several times) And what do i wear under this? A nice body from Casa Terra ( found on marketplace free)