I was touched with the magic of The Sound of Music and that beautiful opening scene of her in the mountains, twirling, dancing, running ... singing ... to the whole universe. "The Hills are Alive . . . . It was like someone had hit the eject button on life and I was free falling and all the sense of what was and wasn't proper went out the window because I was out the window and I could die at any moment and no-one ever tells someone ejected from a plane what they should and shouldn't do as they hurtle through the air towards the ground.
I completely embraced the idea that life was exactly like that. We were all ejected from our moms and we were free falling and we should damn well sing on the mountain tops and do whatever else we wanted and when we wanted because we were all going to die anyway.
All the nuns and the kids and the romance and intrigue of the movie were a big disappointment after that big moment ...
But I immediately went out to my hill when I got home - and please remember we are talking about the prairies of Canada so a hill is any rise in the land at all - and began to twirl and sing.
The cows gathered and several large crows made threatening gestures. It was going to get ugly.
It was clear, attempting greatness on the prairies was like having an opera singer sing in an elevator. Elevator travelers are more likely to kill her than to give her a standing ovation or appreciate her talent. Just consider that they would all have to sit down in order to stand, and there might not even be room for clapping . . . .or the metal horned helmet ....
I waited for our next trip to the mountains.
It is not easy to climb the mountains in a ball gown. By the time we got to go to the mountains I had mixed movies, which is a lot like mixing metaphors only with more dire consequences. I had also seen Gone With The Wind in that time and loved the big hooped skirts. My Julie Andrews had morphed from a simple frock and an apron to full southern belle ball gown with a cinched waist. And I was secretly hoping that Clark Gable was living up in the mountains, nursing his heart, waiting for someone much more deserving than "Scarl-twat."
There is a reason all the recreated big hooped skirt movies are held in a castle walking on the flat floors, or out in the garden where everyone just stands there.
I soon found myself hiking all alone up the mountain. I can't come out and say that people abandoned me because truth is, I may have knocked them all off the path and sent them tumbling down the mountain ravines to their death, for all I know. Hooped ball gowns also make a lot of rustling noise when you move in them and if you get the balance off you can end up with the hoop going vertical instead of horizontal and your dress is suddenly a tent. Which would be swell if you needed a tent. Not so swell when you don't. I have no idea what happened to anyone or even me as I tried to climb that mountain in search of a garden meadow to run in.
The good news is, probably thanks to the rustling noise, no bears attempted to eat or kill me.
I eventually reached a bit of a clearing and a little mountain meadow. I began to sing and dance. It was magical. My voice was soaring to heights I had never reached before ...
Probably some glass broke somewhere but being as not many people took unpractical things with them to the mountains - like crystal glasses, nature improvised. It released the snow. I got buried in an avalanche.
The helicopter rescue people would not keep searching for my hoop. They were a bit cranky. Evidently there had been a lot of "jumpers" earlier that day ... bodies strewn down the mountain side and thrown into ravines all up and down the mountain. Nobody had to say anything to me. I was pretty clear on the whole concept. The hills were not alive ... they were pretty much dead, and it was my fault. I was charged with unlawful singing and twirling with a dangerous weapon and prohibited from attending any hill or mountainsides for 3 years.
I am writing this as a public service announcement to warn everyone that Julie Andrews is dangerous and listening to The Sound of Music backwards plays Satanic messages that can lead to bizarre behaviour . Don't let the presence of nuns lull you into a false sense of security.
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